7:30 pm, May 1, 2013
I am prostrate with shame. My father, my wise patriarchal shepherd and protector of my chastity, discovered me rubbing my lady parts against the arm of my recliner. Not only has he informed me this is a grievous sin, he saw fit to chastise me in front of my ten-year-old twin brothers, Neil and..
Holy shit! ME TOO, DUDE!
It’s been thirty minutes since I last thought about you. In my mind, you’re currently laying prostrate before a cross, repenting of your unholiness. I’ve been praying that God will hold your Samson hair while you vomit your unrighteousness into the proverbial commode of Lucifer, spewing back the…
Whoever is behind this is my new favorite person.
And then I debated whether or not to put it on Tumblr…but I decided it was important. Because in my own way, I can (unfortunately) point out exactly what is wrong with men when they don’t realize how hard it is to be a woman. How we do not have equal opportunities and freedoms in everyday life….
WORD. And FUCK THAT NOISE. And the next person who tells me I’m a bitch for snapping at random strange men for coming up and talking to me…well, it will involve your ass and a cactus.
As a pastor, I don’t officially endorse candidates. I am a registered Independent who makes every attempt to take a biblical approach to issues related to politics. Though I try to refrain from talking about specific candidates and believe it is wrong to turn a church pulpit into a political…
Yeah, I didn’t like my tax dollars going to fund the bullshit smear that was the Iraq War, either. And I’m sure you supported that, so suck it up and like it.
Shop at local establishments.
Seriously, people who come to NYC to shop at the Manhattan Mall and eat at the Olive Garden should be banished for life.
BOYS ONLY: How to Survive Anything!
Table of Contents:
How to Survive a shark attack
How to Survive in a Forest
How to Survive Frostbite
How to Survive a Plane Crash
How to Survive in the Desert
How to Survive a Polar Bear Attack
How to Survive a Flash Flood
How to Survive a Broken Leg
How to Survive an Earthquake
How to Survive a Forest Fire
How to Survive in a Whiteout
How to Survive a Zombie Invasion
How to Survive a Snakebite
How to Survive if Your Parachute Fails
How to Survive a Croc Attack
How to Survive a Lightning Strike
How to Survive a T-Rex
How to Survive Whitewater Rapids
How to Survive a Sinking Ship
How to Survive a Vampire Attack
How to Survive an Avalanche
How to Survive a Tornado
How to Survive Quicksand
How to Survive a Fall
How to Survive a Swarm of Bees
How to Survive in Space
GIRLS ONLY: How to Survive Anything!
Table of Contents:
How to survive a BFF Fight
How to Survive Soccer Tryouts
How to Survive a Breakout
How to Show You’re Sorry
(and chapter 3 is where we no longer care about “survival”)
How to Have the Best Sleepover Ever
How to Take the Perfect School Photo
How to Survive Brothers
Scary Survival Dos and Don’ts
(“don’t throw things or yell at your ghost. it may react badly.”)
How to Handle Becoming Rich
How to Keep Stuff Secret
How to Survive Tests
How to Survive Shyness
How to Handle Sudden Stardom
More Stardom Survival Tips
How to Survive a Camping Trip
(“fresh air is excellent for the skin”)
How to Survive a Fashion Disaster
How to Teach Your Cat to Sit
(are you #$&^%*@ kidding me?)
How to Turn a No Into a Yes
Top Tips for Speechmaking
How to Survive Embarrassment
How to Be a Mind Reader
How to Survive a Crush
(don’t wear heels. tie your hair back. sunglasses add glamour.)
How to Soothe Sunburn
How to Pick Perfect Sunglasses
Surviving a Zombie Attack
How to Spot a Frenemy
Brilliant Boredom Busters
How to Survive Truth or Dare
How to Beat Bullies
How to be an Amazing Babysitter
I came across these books myself and remarked on them to Jenn, but didn’t pick them up to open them. Jackie did, and it’s her comments in italics there. These books were published this year by Scholastic. They are not, as you have have guessed by the insane sexism, published in the 1950s. Scholastic: this is not your proudest moment?
Maybe - MAYBE - How To Pick Perfect Sunglasses is actually in the same class as Surviving When Your Parachute Fails. And maybe the authors truly believed this but also truly believed these two identical classes of disasters (for some reason?) needed to be in separate books. If you ever find yourself in this situation, please oh please don’t say “THIS ONE IS FOR BOYS AND THIS IS FOR GIRLS”. Perhaps instead say “THIS ONE HAS A BUNCH OF INTERESTING REAL-LIFE DISASTER SURVIVAL AND THIS ONE HAS A LOT OF PERSONAL HYGIENE AND INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIP STUFF IN IT, ALSO, TIPS ON GETTING YOUR CAT TO SIT DOWN, I DUNNO”.
The content of the book is what really makes it egregious, though I do recognize I react to “boys only” and “girls only” in most contexts really negatively (dating profiles and middle school sex ed classes being I suppose some exceptions). I can’t help subbing in other groups that have had privilege:
How To Survive Anything! STRAIGHT PEOPLE ONLY
How To Survive Anything! WHITE PEOPLE ONLY
Wow those book titles seem really horrible, huh? Weiiiiiiiiiiiird
How about you? Is your life proving satisfactory?